tomorrow is my birthday. really unhappy about the whole thing. I’ve never been concerned about it before, indeed in the past I’ve been quite proud that everyone else has stressed about their impending birthdays while I’ve had such a laissez-fare attitude to it all. I am such an idiot. I have so many chips on my shoulder, am guilty of so much pride in myself, have such a patronising attitude to everyone else, it’s not surprising that I find it so difficult to make and keep friends. You reap what you so.

It’s not the age thing, it’s what’s happening in my life at the moment. Everything’s changed from, say, this time last year. No partner, no house, same crappy job. So much has changed and I can’t honestly say much has been for the better. Yeah, yeah, of course it’ll work out in the long run, but it’s shitty RIGHT NOW. In order for things to get better there’s so much more that I have to change/address. I’ve been forced into making various changes, but it’s getting to the point where I’m on my own to take the next steps. Something I’ve never been good at. My whole life has been a reaction to events rather than my own actions.

So many times I just fall back on going with the flow and seeing what happens. What the fuck good has that done me. Sure, I was very happy at one point, but it turns out that was just an illusion and inevitably fell apart at the slightest test.

As I said to a friend of mine, surely I should have worked all this out by now, I’m at the age where I should know what I want and have achieved something of that, or at least be able to say I’m working towards it. Whereas I’m in a situation not of my own making, in a job that I feel incredibly insecure about my ability to do, incredibly unhappy about being in, in an industry in which I don’t really want to progress.

I’m asking the same questions as when I was a teenager – what’s that all about??

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About escdotdot

Researching contemporary art, sound, and experimental music in China. Living in Hong Kong. With a PhD from Hong Kong Baptist University, Academy of Visual Arts.

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